home-sick…

you know those days when it feels like the universe has been created merely to facilitate your every whim, like everything you endeavor magically manifests and all falls into place without the slightest bit of effort on your part?

you do? well, today was NOT one of those days at chez sass. today was multiple-toilet-roll-worthy crap!

the s.o. and i are having a major disagreement about my intended trip to l.a.. i need to go and initiate divorce proceedings and clean out (button up) my storage unit and just generally, regenerate. he thinks that i’m being irresponsible, spending money that i don’t really have. except that i will not be using my south african accounts when i go on this trip (they wouldn’t get me very far!). fact is, whenever i’ve thought about making the final payment on my provisional booking, it’s felt like my entire being breathes a sigh of relief and at the same time expands to place a sloppy wet kiss of gratitude on the big wide bowl of  the infinite sky.

and yet. he makes me question this overwhelming urge i have to get on that plane. yes, i need to get to my gynae (haven’t had a pap smear since my last visit 18 months ago), i need to get my eyes checked by my regular optometrist and figure out why i’ve been getting these migraines, i *need* to strap on my roller-blades and go flying down the bike path in venice. i *need*  a bowl of honey bunches of oats with vanilla rice milk. i *need* sushi from something’s fishy in the valley and thai food from cholada thai on the pch at the bottom of topanga canyon. i *need* to make sure my little rav with the plates that say “SASSS” hasn’t been driven to death by my about-to-be ex-husband, i  *NEED*  to visit my ex-home, topanga and see my beloved patty and amy and barb and rachel and eve, etc. etc. i *need* to put on some crazy outfits and shake my bootie at a burner party. i *need* to go home to the playa and burning man. last i got the chance to go, was right before i started this show, 4 years ago. i’ve already been accepted into a conclave (groups which practice all year to spin fire at bm) which means i’d again be spinning fire infront of the man the night of the burn.

i *need* to do all those things and more, but the reality is also that i’m on the verge of starting a new business. i’m not sure where my next acting work will come from after i leave binnelanders. basically, the future is really uncertain. and yet, i feel this need to go and re-fuel. i am feeling sooo spent after being on this show for the last 4 years, and i haven’t realized it till just recently. i always thought that it was my job that kept me tied, that kept me from returning to the states. now i’m about to be “untethered”, but i’m bound in other ways; the s.o., my house, my dogs, though it feels like i won’t be able to face the very questionable future without an l.a. infusion. and maybe that means i’m spoilt. i don’t know. i find it hard to justify and at the same time there is this unwavering urge to get on that plane. it feels like  i’ll finally be free again.

most of this probably makes no sense if you don’t know anything about burning man or los angeles. i sat down to write a post about “something” and just whizzed off on this particular tangent which  i guess, means that this is what’s on my mind right now.

so thank you for indulging me and wish me luck figuring it all out. i’m still trusting the universe… “come to the egg and fry!” *snort*
check out this song, “homesick” – by one of my favorite bands, kings of convenience

“homesick
cause I no longer know
where home is…”

p.s. one of the myriad other things that made today crap was discovering my agent had allowed my voice-bank membership to lapse, which explains why i’ve not been getting any voice-over work lately. endless pain-in-the-ass phone-calls and an internet payment later, i’m finally back on.

however, it made me look into putting some of my voice-clips on my resume’ web-site, but then i realized that when i had my computer seen to, the guy hadn’t replaced 2 essential programs i need to update my sites and now i’d have to pay for both of them. and i was stuck home with my car in for a service. i won’t bore you with the details, but i now have some clips up on my (very basic – i’m no web-guru) site.(written thursday night)

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burning man – going home

it’s that time of year.  time for burning man. my burner friends from all over the world are packing their crazy costumes, faux fur, blinkies, neon everything, fire toys, fuel, bicycles, art cars, gifts, portable showers, power bars, water, hula hoops, everything needed to sustain life for 10 days, especially everything sparkly and glittery  – all of which, within moments of arriving on the playa, will be covered in tenacious, alkaline, moisture-sucking, skin-cracking, wonderful white playa dust.

it’s been 3 years since i last was able to go and i can guarantee that even here, 10 000 miles away on the other side of the world, i can go into my storage room and i’ll find you some playa dust. i’m so jealous of everyone heading to black rock city for a fresh supply. heading to  black rock city which, at this moment, is growing from an empty, dry salt pan, to one of the largest cities in nevada – at least for the next 10 days.

they’re going home. and those of us who’ve been and who aren’t able to go, feel an inexorable longing. i feel all the playa dust that i’ve inhaled, absorbed into my skin, packed up with my belongings, become magnetized to the true north which is black rock city and it is only my very pedestrian circumstances which keep me stuck here while my every cell is extended like an olympic rhythmic gymnast, legs outstretched, toes pointing, fingertips reaching toward, yearning for the nevada desert. 

i first got to burning man in 2003 (on a whim, with almost no planning, but scooped up in the circle of some fabulous hoopgirls (christabel of hoopgirl, anah (hoopalicious), the eve of hoop-dancing)- booking my ticket midnight thursday, leaving saturday). it was beyond belief.

like long-lost family, people met me with huge hugs and a “welcome home!”. i thought they were freakishly weird. what do you mean, “welcome home?”, i’ve never been here before!  hippy-dippy. and yet, by the time the week was up, after spending most of the time observing, getting thoroughly steeped in playa dust and burner community, clicking happily away with my camera, trying to capture it all, i realized that after a long circuitous route, mainly detours,  i was finally home. i felt like i’d been asleep for years, cocooned in a 10 year marriage, becoming invisible, forgetting who i really was. at burning man, after what felt like eternity, i seemed to bump into myself again. the real me. and it made it impossible to go back. within months my husband and i had separated and i was on a journey back to me. i had become a burner.

p.s. (my blog banner is an image i photoshopped of me on my bicycle on the playa in 2005)