to your health.

i thought i’d do a little update on some  health issues that i’ve mentioned before.

first of all, the finger. you might remember that i wound up in the ER on valentine’s day after attempting to make my finger part of the meal i was preparing. a few stitches and some painkillers later, i was all good. sort-of. it took about a week before i could remove the stitches and now it’s looking pretty normal. it’s still pretty sensitive when i bash it into something, but you only notice the fact that it’s 3 millimetres shorter than the other when i line them up to compare.

as for the depression which nearly made me feel like jumping off a bridge in january, that too seems to be something of the past. yes, i still have highs and lows, but i no longer feel like i’m free-falling and  about to go splat. obviously i am one of those many women who simply cannot handle hormones and even though i was on the pill for 18 years till i stopped about 10 yrs ago, and never noticed that it affected my psyche, now it’s impossible. 6 wks on the pill and i was ready to off myself. offing the pill instead, made a world of difference. hallelujah! a homeopath friend has also suggested that i take some 5htp for a while to boost my serotonin levels. so, if you’re on the pill and you’re feeling depressed, it just might be time to see your doctor and see if the one has something to do with the other.

as for my sciatica. let’s just say i still have a bum hip and i’m still not running. 😦 i probably have to go back for a few more jabs from the mean accupuncturist.

oh, and the 4-legged one is healing fantastically so far. if we could just keep her from acting as if there’s nothing wrong with her, she’ll be fine.

so, that’s the latest on my health. here’s to yours.


much as this is something women, especially women of a *certain age*, don’t like to talk about, here goes.

around november last year i started getting the first signs of peri-menopause; that series of symptoms that lets you know you are nearing the point where to everybody else, you will be, officially ancient. the old crone. :/

i started waking up in pools of sweat, the pillow soaked, rivulets running down my body. or i’d be standing on set, getting ready for a scene and suddenly i would feel myself glowing, beads of moisture forming along my hair-line, grabbing a script with which to fan myself before the make-up artist would have to come running with her powder.

this would never do.

went to see my doctor and she prescribed a low-dose pill, mirelle, which she said ought to tide me through these symptoms.

started the pack at the beginning of december. by as early as a few weeks later, i started feeling the first signs of a low-grade depression. couldn’t tell if it was the pill or just me. couldn’t tell if it was getting worse or not, but by new year, i was in a miserable state, dark clouds following me everywhere and 10 days into the second pack, on my birthday, a few days ago, i was ready to jump off a bridge. for days it had felt like i was in a plummeting  elevator, heading straight for a spectacular crash in the basement. i started wondering if it wasn’t time to start taking a happy pill.

i realized it was time to call my doctor and just check whether it was possible for the contraceptive pill to be making me feel so miserable.

apparently it absolutely is! i’m one of those few women who cannot handle even that low dose of hormones. she advocated that i stop immediately and said that depression is one of the main reasons for women to go off the pill.

anyway, it’s 2 days later and i already feel a million times better. i guess i feel relief just being able to pinpoint a reason why i was feeling to inexplicably, uncontrollably depressed.

so, looks like pollyanna might be on her way back. she might still have to take public transport to get here, but she’s on her way, that’s for sure and i, for one, will be very glad to see her! 🙂

hype-y new year…

wow! we’re in the second part of the new year already!

for some reason i have an image of time as an unfortunate gazelle being devoured by a pack of ravenous hyenas. that’s how fast it passes – quicksand beneath one’s feet. bloodspatters, sinew and bone…

hmn, can you tell i’ve been a regular little pollyanna lately? not! even though i want to be. i try to tell myself to stay in the moment because it’s all we have. i try to remind myself to stay positive. to see the upside of every situation,  but i’ve been having to give myself a stern talking to. all the time.

i haven’t written here in over a month. i couldn’t send out “happy new year!” wishes because you know what, it might not be. what with dead birds falling from the sky, bomb-blasts in churches, trigger-happy shooters target-practicing on people…i’m done falling for the hype that surrounds this arbitrary marker.

each new year’s eve we tell ourselves that this year will be awesome, at least better than the last. then august comes and we look back at the shape the year has taken and we sigh… the reality is, this year will be whatever it will be and it will reveal itself as it sees fit. only time will tell if it will be bloodspatters, sinew and bone, or the heart-pounding, adrenaline-rush of the close escape…

ok, maybe i should just shut up and shove the dark rag-doll into the back of the closet.

i sure hope pollyanna shows up to replace her soon.


possibly maybe

ok, i have to admit, and you can stone me for it, but i’ve always wondered why people need “happy-pills”. and yes, i know quite a few people who use them. i never really did get it. when my mom went on prozac for a while many years ago, i thought, “WTF?!”.  i mean, i’ve been through crap by the truck-load in my life and i’ve gotten by without.

after friday, though, i take it back. i think i came closest to having a melt-down/nervous breakdown/not sure what to call it, on friday than i’ve ever done in my life. the only other time i’ve felt like this was when dental anaesthetic left me weeping inexplicably – since then i always have to request a special anaesthetic when i go to the dentist. obviously an allergic reaction. now the reason why, is because i don’t know the reason why.

there are a myriad little things that could add up, but on friday for some reason i felt suddenly completely out of control  – as out of control as a control-freak could possibly be. besides a little crying spell when i confronted a friend about something in the morning, i really  did keep things together. did what needed to be done. interacted fairly sanely with people i encountered and  with the contractor who was fixing things in my house (i mean, i’m one of the sanest people i know), but inside i felt like i was both imploding and exploding simultaneously. i felt like i could easily drive off a cliff and it wouldn’t matter.

women on the verge of a nervous breakdown by maryszka.

ok, so it might have something to do with the visible twitch i’ve had under my right eye for the last 2 weeks and which has been getting progressively worse. i first noticed it in the mirror at the hotel room the morning after the pioneer rally after i went to bed late and got up early to fly back home. i googled when it first started and it said that it was likely caused by stress and would go away after a few days, but if it didn’t, to seek medical help.

it’s at the point where i need medical help.

first of all, it’s a little weird going around looking like i’m winking at everybody (ok, it’s not quite that bad, but still) and secondly, in my line of work, it’s not ok to have an involuntary twitch unless you’re playing a rather shifty character. which i’m not.

so it’s been freaking me out. and my doctor could only get me an appointment with  a neurologist in 2 weeks time. i’ve since managed to get an appt with one on monday, which is a lot more reassuring, but it’s certainly been weighing on my mind.

now, depression and i have gotten to know each other well over the course of my rather eventful life. but there’s always been a very valid reason. if you’d been molested for 12 yrs of your childhood, raped as an adult, then spent many years married to an addict, you too might have reason to be depressed. and there were a myriad other reasons. so , each time i became aware of the darkness closing in, there was usually a very tangible reason. friday, however, i couldn’t figure out why. and i think that scared me more than anything else.  i had a birthday party to attend, but by 6 i was in bed wishing there was a wand i could wave, a pill i could pop, a magic potion i could drink which would make me feel better.

ok, so i do feel a little better now, but i still wonder if i’ve not been in denial about the fact that i might just need chemical help, maybe a pill, to make me happier. maybe my introspection, my propensity to isolate, my ability to spend eternities in my head, are not necesarily normal. maybe they are, but maybe i need to acknowledge the possibly that i don’t have to do it on my own. that i can get help.

so, yes, just possibly maybe i’m sending out an s.o.s.

my precioussss

it’s july 2nd.

if you hadn’t noticed yet, we’re in the second half of the year folks! how time flies when you’re having fun.

or not!

talking about not having fun: i think that big ol’ many-tentacled monster called depression has so slowly, so imperceptibly, one little slimy sucker at a time, loosened it’s grip, that i hadn’t even noticed that i’m feeling better. it’s like night succumbing so slowly to day that you don’t even notice the transition. it just suddenly is. so. much. lighter.

and i like it so much better than dwelling in those other dingy places.

in fact i’m feeling so much better, i’m actually looking forward to something. the countdown begins! 10 days till the iphone 3g is released – a little bit longer before we get it here in south africa and i can’t wait! 

oh my preciousss, sass wantsssssssssssssss-sessssssssssssssssssss… 

(insert psychopathic drool here).

the deep end/not waving, but drowning…

i think i’m depressed.


i know i’m depressed.

i can usually tell when the thought, ghastly, like a ghostly little goldfish, flits through the back of my brain: ” wouldn’t it be so much better not to be here?” not like i’m about to dine on rat-poison or guzzle a gazillion pills, but it’s usually a marker that it’s getting a little dark around here. that i’m swimming in the deep end.
deep end by kendra gadzala
i keep trying to psyche myself out, pollyanna myself to the positive, but to no avail. maybe it has something to do with the rising interest rates and seeing the holes form in my otherwise really reliable safety nets. or maybe it’s the switch i’ve made from inane music stations on my daily commute, to in-your-face-reality talk radio. i’m beginning to think that the only way to get from day to day is denial. maybe a trip up a river in egypt is in order.

i’d love to know how others keep afloat because my little dinghy is taking on water and seriously in danger of sinking. you know, not waving, but drowning…
(image by kendra gadzala)

not all sorted.

ever have one of those days when you’re out of sorts for no reason at all? or at least, you’re still trying to figure out why.sass self portrait  inchoate feelings swirl around your brain,  prickly and raw, exacerbated by everything and nothing. 

i’m having one of those days. feeling boxed in and at the same time wanting to cocoon, insulate myself from everyone and everything. including myself. so instead i listen to bjork. i weed-wack the garden. i fold and pack away clothes. i darn. 
but these feelings will not be domesticated. 
so i let them be. 
the only way out, is through.