the things we take for granted

you walk through the door
and there’s a look on your face
that’s strange.
something’s been
rearranged since the last time i saw you,
since the last cavalier
goodbye.

“didn’t you get my message?” you say.
i explain the mundane inanity
of a phone forgotten at work.
“mine’s been stolen,”
you say, your voice flat and calm
as you regale me with a nightmare of doors kicked in,
and men with zipties and guns.

in my mind flash horrific scenes of
“what might have been”.
but like you, i am numb.

i look at you and see the violence reverberate.
“shhhhh…”, i say,
pulling you close.
“shhhhh…”.

as i hold you
i cannot help but feel imaginary bullet wounds,
i feel the holes rent by that knife.
i see one more hole ripped huge in the fragile silk
of this parachute,
our life.

and yet:
i also feel the things we take for granted.

and i am grateful for another chance.

don’t go 5a.m. 7.30.03 

i was thinking of the ones i love
the ones i’m scared will leave
so i asked it of the ones above
please give us a reprieve

and i said don’t go yet
darling it’s too soon
if you go now all will be gloomy
so don’t go yet
there’s so much to do
if you go now i will miss you truly

and a voice it came from in my head
it answered me this way
i’m not quite sure from where it came
this is what it had to say

the person who was sitting here
was here before
and though they’re gone they linger on
for evermore
if i keep them in my memory
if i feel them in my reverie
i can taste them on the air i breathe
though they’re free to be
they’ll be always here with me

FALL 

It’s beautiful here –
cold, but clear,
crisp, like the leaves floating,
sun-browned,
to the ground at this time of year.
I watch their detached descent –
such sensuous nonchalance.

One day I shall learn
to let go
the way leaves fall –
it’s autumn and I ought to,
but for now
I wear my coat against the cold
(the woman in my mirror grows older)
and I marvel at the leaves,
how they manage to move on
with such indifference,
no smoldering passion
or wasted grief.

Unlike me,
they’ve mastered the art of parting
and when it’s time to go,

they leave.

The Grim Reaper
6.12.94

And what about the young?
In the midst of life
someone’s son, senselessly, is dying.
He should be having fun –
one with the sun still at noon,
his sudden eclipse –
it’s too soon.
And what of the ones left behind,
empty and staring?
Wasn’t it glaringly obvious?

Oh gentle seeker,
why did your quest for wholeness
lead to a slit through which to slip your soul?
Did your crystal ball reveal the inexorable?
Did you steal a glance at the one
who led that devastating dance to the exit sign
and then fled?
You knew how that terrible tango would end,
you screamed for help,
yet no one came to your defense.

Celebrity cut short your stay
in this sycophantic land of the football hero.
A tyrannical touch-down
revoked your visa
and as your lives leaked down to zero,
the crowds cheered and cheered.

Here in this land of the slave and the fee,
where the guilty buy innocence,
I see that freedom is battered
while the light sputters vainly on that statue
called Liberty.

To the ones who care,
incredulous questions remain:
the raging refrain of,
“Why? Why? Why?”

I hope you’ve grown wings.
I hope your soul is flying.
Here it’s all over,
bar the crying…

oj.-love- (it’s all because i love you )

push here
shove there
happy birthday darling         pinch here
punch there
happy anniversary  can’t you see it’s all your fault
that i’m in so much pain
maybe that’s why my
fingerprints are all over you again

it’s all because i love you baby
now see what you made me do
it’s all because i love you baby
my way to get through to you

push here
shove there
happy birthday darling

pinch here
punch there
happy anniversary

don’t flinch when i raise my hand to you
don’t be so remote
i’ll make you smile from ear to ear
not with your mouth but your throat

but it’s all because i love you baby
now see what you made me do
it’s all because i love you baby
my way to get through to you

you come here now you do as i say
you’re just like you’re fucking mother
you sitdownshutupdo as i say
oh darling let’s make love

push here
shove there
happy birthday darling

pinch here
punch there
happy anniversary
oh happy anniversary
so why aren’t you happy…..

i trudge through the dark

in a storm that will not budge