today was the day.
a day which has arrived in the blink of an eye and yet also has been a long time coming. i’ve known since last november that this day lay in wait and yet i’ve also had a tiny reprieve by having it delayed by 3 weeks.
today is the day on which i become self-employed after 4 years on contract. today the production which imported me from los angeles almost exactly 4 years ago at the end of this month, continues without me – a train making a brief stop for one of it’s passengers who’s been aboard since the start of it’s journey, to alight and then chugs ceaselessly on.
part of me is excited at new possibilities. part of me is shit-scared that i won’t be able to pay my bills. and yet that last part is not exactly true. i have a number of iou’s i’ve been waiting to call in, just in case of a rainy day, so i doubt i’ll be desperate any time soon. but still.
i have to admit i’ve been feeling unmoored. the guy-ropes have been loosened, the ship is drifting away from the quay and i have no idea whereto. yet, even that isn’t entirely true. the next 3 months is pretty much mapped out. tomorrow morning i go for the bbl treatment with the laser doctor. immediately after i have a dental cleaning. in the evening i have going away drinks with people from work. wednesday evening i’m out at moyos with a friend, thursday i’m having an operation which will put me out of action for a few days. i have tons to do in launching my line of clothes, labels, swing-tags and samples to QC, in 3 weeks i leave for 7 weeks in l.a. to deal with my life there and the week after i get back to johannesburg, i’m back on the train which is binnelanders for another 6 weeks. so essentially my life is mapped out till mid-november.
but we’re in the middle of a recession and it’s scary to not know when my next cheque is coming in. and being a capricorn, i like security. i like to know my bills will be paid. and i like being paid good money for the good work i know i’m capable of delivering. the irony is that though i moved back to johannesburg for this job, if i had done the equivalent of this in hollywood, i would be able to retire or at least be extremely comfortable after these 4 years. it does make me a little resentful, but i guess i need only look around me to be reminded just how lucky i am.
i have a soon-t0-be ex-husband with whom i am probably better friends now, than i’ve ever been and who will probably be concerned about my well-being as long as he lives. i have a man i live with who loves me unconditionally and cannot wait for me to be his wife, i have a home and awesome supportive friends both around me, on the other side of the world, as well as online.
so for today i will be grateful for all i have, as well as the many opportunities coming my way. i believe the universe remembers that i am always generous in my abundance, so i will step into the sky trusting that in the air beneath my feet, the universe will provide the stepping-stones.
i am a magnet for
vibrant health and creativity
and i radiate the
love, laughter, light and joy
the universe shines on me.