it’s complicated

you know that facebook relationship menu option, “it’s complicated”? well, i am the poster-child (woman/whatever) for that status.

except i’m in relationship_s.

and they’re complicated.

my husband and i met in 1989,  20 years ago this year. 3 or 4 years later we got married. not my idea, seeing that i never had dreams of a white dress and walking down the aisle with some archaic, overblown organ music as accompaniment. (i needn’t have worried. i didn’t have any of that. a black flower print dress, a hat with a peace sign [no, it wasn’t the 60’s!], a sprig of bouganvilla, red shoes and 5 minutes with an officiating officer at the l.a. court house. that’s it.)

and we’re still married.

except for the minor detail that we’ve been separated and  living apart since 2003. now, even living on different continents.

yes, it’s complicated.

i got one of his frequent calls the other night and spent the next half hour talking to him and the stepdaughter, who just so happens to be only 4 years younger than me. in fact, i spent most of the conversation catching up with her and some of it talking with him about the fact that they were going to the opera with his “friend”. yes.  i worry about him and i hope that he’s doing ok, though i think we are better friends now than ever, even if our days as husband and wife are over. i think there’s something about time spent together and experience shared (except for abuse – or maybe, including abuse) that creates a bond which is eternal.

i think i can honestly say that i’ve been in relationshits most of my life. i’ve never known how to make a relationship work. i’ve never had any good examples. most of the people i know who are still together either cannot stand each other  or are together despite – or maybe even in spite or out of spite. cupids flying overhead and lavish, mind-blowing ceremonies are no guarantee that  couples stating their vows, will keep them. i’ve seen so many destined for eternity relationships dissolve like the wicked witch at the first watery drops. and then yes, one is left in the unenviable position of mediating or even worse, having to carefully monitor invitation lists to make sure the formerly inseparables are never in the same place at the same time.

anyway, to get back to the plural part of my relationships…

after my husband and i separated, i burned through a few hot, younger (i had to beat off a few 25 year olds. no offence meant, but  sorry, not interested in giving lessons!), so soulful, charismatic, though mostly unemployed, burner boys, before i met my current, for the last almost 5 years, on-again, off-again significant other.

and i couldn’t understand his issues with the fact that i was still married.  for me, separating was all i needed to start reclaiming my life and since i never wanted to be married in the first place, i had no intention of marrying again, so why bother to get divorced when there’d be so many financial and legal entanglements which would need dealing with?

it’s only after the s.o. categorically stated his non-negotiables and after too many off-again periods that i finally get it. it’s only after time spent apart that i get that i, who have spent most of my life isolating, in a self-imposed solitary confinement, with the times not spent performing and center-stage, spent either alone reading, online or in my head, actually need to say the many things that have gone largely unspoken. i’ll often have an entire, extended response to something someone says and then realize i haven’t verbalized it.

it’s time to let go of the patterns which no longer serve (i no longer have to keep the secrets i did as a child), it’s time to speak out, to open up, to let go. there is an undeniable energetic connection created by the marriage between two people and i will not be able to move on completely, till that connection is legally severed. and i can finally acknowledge and understand the s.o.’s discomfort with being the “boyfriend”, instead of the “husband”. even though it’s not something which is important to me, because i care enough about him, i get that i need to make some changes. and it’s time to change the mantra that i don’t know how to do relationships. i can try. in fact, i’m going to nike it and  just do it.

time to un-complicate things.

(this post totally inspired by scott over at husbandsanonymous)

quiet now

i can be like a cornered animal when hurt. vicious. i can be the uncontrollable bitch snarling at the end of a leash. and i’m sorry for that. i’ve had my teeth unsheathed, angry and scared,  but i’m going to be quiet now. i’m back to who i really am – the better version of me.

i loved.

i lost.

but there’s so much i gained. and i’m glad for that. 

and i’m keeping my heart open.

green-leaf-red-heart

time for nothing

time

strange how time can flex

contracting and expanding
at will
sometimes it’s candy gobbled
with a fat-faced greed
disappearing with
a speed that makes one spin
other times
the day
stretches into infinity
like treacle
elastic and sticky
and the clock stays stuck
for hours at the
same face you perused
merely
but a minute ago

nothing

take everything
leave nothing behind
nothing that looks or smells
or tastes like you
leave no reminder
that once i held you in regard
that once i gave you haven in my heart
yes
take everything
i want nothing to remind

i do not wish to find a single trace
of what a fool i was
i do not want to face the fact
that what i got from you
was nothing
so yes
take everything
leave nothing behind

irretrievable

i think i am still in a state of disbelief. still finding it hard to fathom that this time is not another false ending. that there will not be another do-over. a take 4, or 5. there will be no rewrites on this particular script.

i keep seeing this very graphic image. you know the stamps used in official paperwork?

irretrievable

unbelievable as it may seem. irretrievable.

i should rather be a stone.

Stone 8.16.07

I’ve spent my life avoiding loss,
Shunning desire,
Never building not there
Castles in air,
Always prepared.

Perpetually aware,
I hoard my tears,
Guarding against the grinding loss
Of even one.
I do not allow a single
Leaking smear
Upon my cheek
For fear, unchecked,
A flood may come.

What I do not want
Cannot mistakenly
Leech into the void –
And loss.
A loss
I’ve lived my life
Avoiding.

elvis has left the building

seeing that the theme for this week is breaking up, i thought this short short-story i wrote a long time ago, might make an appropriate post.

 

Freshman year. I saw him coming down the stairs of the lecture hall, his long hair wildly curling, his arms flailing in conversation. I shook my head and turned away, laughing to the person beside me.  I thought he looked ridiculous. It wasn’t that he was overweight or even particularly big – he just took up space, lots of it.

Weeks passed. In the easy, inexplicable, amorphously complex way that friendships are forged, somehow the space around him began to include me and eventually it didn’t even surprise me that we were soon inseparable. Maybe I’d developed a sense of the ridiculous!

We’d stop to lie in the grass on the walk home and talk about whatever was occupying our obviously brilliant minds. We’d dance along the canal to mercurial music emanating (almost magically) from some oboe player practicing in the dark. The hoarded remnants of our student allowances would occasionally allow us the luxury of  savoring a single cocktail and periodically we’d stay up all night writing last minute assignments. It was a joke among our friends that he would do most of the research, but my grade would be 10 percent higher!

Eventually, when we moved in together, we washed up here in this building with the flotsam and jetsam of residents past and present. The apartment was great,  but something about this roof kept beckoning; it was where we’d sneak our smoke or seek solitude. We’d lie near naked, browning on summer days. On hot nights, similarly clothed, we’d escape the heat of our room, dragging our comforter to make a bed under neon stars. We’d lie looking at the back of the first five letters of the sign above the “Silver Screen” (our home from home) – an old movie house which holds all night black and white marathons every Friday night and screens “art” movies the rest of the time. It was our private joke that we’d make a fortune alerting the tabloids that these 5 letters, juggled and repeated, reveal the coded message that “ELVIS LIVES”! We liked the place so much that we stayed on even after graduation, after we went corporate and  could afford slick leather and upgrades on our jalopies.

Now here we are. Probably for the last time.

“I’m sorry,” I finally manage to say. The words come out emotional and thick, remorseful, yet at the same time, unrepentant. They emerge invisible, then solidify in the air and just hang there – ugly as graffiti sprouting overnight on fresh paint. I want to get up and throw my arms around him as if he is still my best friend. As if I don’t have someone waiting for me in a car downstairs. 

As if nothing has changed.

Silence. His words are turned away from me as he stands at the perimeter of this roof like it’s the edge of the world and he’s braced to battle monsters. Like he’s standing on the platform of a desolate station, waiting doggedly for a train he’s been told has just derailed.

It seems to me that we are actors in disheveled wings on the opening night of a play we’ve never rehearsed and to which we don’t know the words. Meanwhile the curtain rises. The audience waits.

Beyond the blank of his back my gaze is caught by those five letters silhouetted against the mottled sky. The car-horn’s quiet cough floats up from the sidewalk, then sounds again, not quite as quiet as before.

I hesitate for just a moment and then rise…

I take my cue.

bound

 

bound

 

i’m so full of shite. so full of contradictions and ambivalences and ambiguities and inconsistencies. i wrote that  earlier post about being on the bound. that i’m going to bounce. 

and after i posted it, i realized that i was still waiting for my phone to ring, waiting for some connection, my whole being tuned into where he is and what he’s doing and how he’s feeling. and it’s difficult not to pick up the phone. so i started sorting out my closet and throwing stuff out. i took myself to the gym for distraction, but my mind has an absolute, single searing focus right now.

and yes, i am going to bounce, but i’m also bound. bound so tight and what feels like inextricably intertwined with what we were, with what was and i’m finding it difficult to escape the tentacles of the past so i can move into whatever future is waiting, towards whatever i am bound. 

here are just a few definitions of the word bound:

-verb bound up in or with,

a. inseparably connected with.
b. devoted or attached to:

intr.verb
.   bound·edbound·ingbounds    

  1. To leap forward or upward; spring.
  2. To progress by forward leaps or springs.
  3. To bounce; rebound.
   

–adjective

1. going or intending to go; on the way to; destined (usually fol. by for): The train is bound for Denver.
2. Archaicprepared; ready.
–noun   

1. Usually, bounds. limit or boundary: the bounds of space and time;
trust me to pick a word that is this contradictory in meaning – movement and stasis, freedom and confinement. 
“it was the nature of our relationship that though inseparably bound, we were bound to reach our bound(ary) and now i am bound to bound to wherever it is i’m bound.”
 
so yes, i am bound. in all the different meanings of the word.
driving home from the gym, i wrote this:
waste not    nov 11, 08

sometimes i wonder 
if i squandered love
believing it would never leave
thinking what i’d got was in infinite supply
seems sometimes even the bottomless well
is not
and the river you take for granted
so easily runs dry