i’m so full of shite. so full of contradictions and ambivalences and ambiguities and inconsistencies. i wrote that  earlier post about being on the bound. that i’m going to bounce. 

and after i posted it, i realized that i was still waiting for my phone to ring, waiting for some connection, my whole being tuned into where he is and what he’s doing and how he’s feeling. and it’s difficult not to pick up the phone. so i started sorting out my closet and throwing stuff out. i took myself to the gym for distraction, but my mind has an absolute, single searing focus right now.

and yes, i am going to bounce, but i’m also bound. bound so tight and what feels like inextricably intertwined with what we were, with what was and i’m finding it difficult to escape the tentacles of the past so i can move into whatever future is waiting, towards whatever i am bound. 

here are just a few definitions of the word bound:

-verb bound up in or with,

a. inseparably connected with.
b. devoted or attached to:

.   bound·edbound·ingbounds    

  1. To leap forward or upward; spring.
  2. To progress by forward leaps or springs.
  3. To bounce; rebound.


1. going or intending to go; on the way to; destined (usually fol. by for): The train is bound for Denver.
2. Archaicprepared; ready.

1. Usually, bounds. limit or boundary: the bounds of space and time;
trust me to pick a word that is this contradictory in meaning – movement and stasis, freedom and confinement. 
“it was the nature of our relationship that though inseparably bound, we were bound to reach our bound(ary) and now i am bound to bound to wherever it is i’m bound.”
so yes, i am bound. in all the different meanings of the word.
driving home from the gym, i wrote this:
waste not    nov 11, 08

sometimes i wonder 
if i squandered love
believing it would never leave
thinking what i’d got was in infinite supply
seems sometimes even the bottomless well
is not
and the river you take for granted
so easily runs dry