running out…

oh my poor neglected blog! i can hardly remember when last i came here for a visit, let alone to post anything!

mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. guilty as my fast-discharging batteries…

may i say in mitigation that my life has been a rocket ship on full blast, careening through a space filled with much debris – and no,  i’m not running around painting the town red,  i’ve just  been busy, busy, busy. you know, doing grown up stuff. getting my house in order – metaphorically speaking of course, seeing that i’m basically camped out in someone else’s while i drag crates back and forth from storage in woodland hills to venice (a 45 minute drive one way. i did it twice today).

i have spent most of the past 6 weeks going through my past life and much as i imagined that parts of it could be for sale  – “and here, our next item, one slightly soiled life, being sold off in bits…”, i just haven’t had the energy to put stuff up on ebay or craigslist. i’ve ended up giving a lot of it away and taking what my friends haven’t wanted, as a donation to charity stores. and there’s plenty more where that came from.

so tomorrow, the about-to-be ex-husband and i are heading to the santa monica court-house to file for divorce. it’s been really weird. we’ve spent a fair amount of time together while i’ve been here, eaten lots of sushi, gone to see a few movies and eaten at some of our favorite restaurants we used to go to. we’ve taken a couple of trips to the storage unit together. and that’s kinda weird, our confused, yet strangely lucid present colliding with our past life jumping out of drawers and crates like a jack-in-the-pandora’s box…. everybody mouthing, “i’m so sorry”s…

last week, after i spent most of my time here, pulling stuff out of storage, he decided that he wanted to keep the unit, so today  we carted most of the boxes back, juggled them around and stacked them back up, dismembered skeleton pieces clacking as we shoved them back in the closet…

i’ve found myself surprisingly emotional the last few days. yesterday i had to take a moment when an old friend arrived with her newborn. i’ve mostly ignored the fact that i had a miscarriage less than 3 months ago, so i’m taken aback when i have an emotional response to babies around me. and today, after locking the storage unit back up, after another early sushi dinner, we went and saw “julie and julia” – good movie, with meryl streep, the actor’s actor. watching the trailers was unexpectedly emotional though and i found myself wiping away tears during more than one… so many movies about relationships, about  people getting divorced and getting back together…. one was a trailer for a comedy with meryl streep and alec baldwin, about a couple who divorce, the guy gets married and then has an affair with his ex-wife.

not about to happen here, but still…

so, the short of it is that i’m exhausted. i’ve hardly seen any of my friends. i’ve watched maybe 1/2 hour of tv while i’ve been here, so so much for catching up with what’s new.  and i’m running out of time. i’ve yet to collect some of my stuff i left with people and the 3 minute egg-timer is at 02:55.

i so need a holiday. seriously.

seriously?

seriously.

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it’s complicated

you know that facebook relationship menu option, “it’s complicated”? well, i am the poster-child (woman/whatever) for that status.

except i’m in relationship_s.

and they’re complicated.

my husband and i met in 1989,  20 years ago this year. 3 or 4 years later we got married. not my idea, seeing that i never had dreams of a white dress and walking down the aisle with some archaic, overblown organ music as accompaniment. (i needn’t have worried. i didn’t have any of that. a black flower print dress, a hat with a peace sign [no, it wasn’t the 60’s!], a sprig of bouganvilla, red shoes and 5 minutes with an officiating officer at the l.a. court house. that’s it.)

and we’re still married.

except for the minor detail that we’ve been separated and  living apart since 2003. now, even living on different continents.

yes, it’s complicated.

i got one of his frequent calls the other night and spent the next half hour talking to him and the stepdaughter, who just so happens to be only 4 years younger than me. in fact, i spent most of the conversation catching up with her and some of it talking with him about the fact that they were going to the opera with his “friend”. yes.  i worry about him and i hope that he’s doing ok, though i think we are better friends now than ever, even if our days as husband and wife are over. i think there’s something about time spent together and experience shared (except for abuse – or maybe, including abuse) that creates a bond which is eternal.

i think i can honestly say that i’ve been in relationshits most of my life. i’ve never known how to make a relationship work. i’ve never had any good examples. most of the people i know who are still together either cannot stand each other  or are together despite – or maybe even in spite or out of spite. cupids flying overhead and lavish, mind-blowing ceremonies are no guarantee that  couples stating their vows, will keep them. i’ve seen so many destined for eternity relationships dissolve like the wicked witch at the first watery drops. and then yes, one is left in the unenviable position of mediating or even worse, having to carefully monitor invitation lists to make sure the formerly inseparables are never in the same place at the same time.

anyway, to get back to the plural part of my relationships…

after my husband and i separated, i burned through a few hot, younger (i had to beat off a few 25 year olds. no offence meant, but  sorry, not interested in giving lessons!), so soulful, charismatic, though mostly unemployed, burner boys, before i met my current, for the last almost 5 years, on-again, off-again significant other.

and i couldn’t understand his issues with the fact that i was still married.  for me, separating was all i needed to start reclaiming my life and since i never wanted to be married in the first place, i had no intention of marrying again, so why bother to get divorced when there’d be so many financial and legal entanglements which would need dealing with?

it’s only after the s.o. categorically stated his non-negotiables and after too many off-again periods that i finally get it. it’s only after time spent apart that i get that i, who have spent most of my life isolating, in a self-imposed solitary confinement, with the times not spent performing and center-stage, spent either alone reading, online or in my head, actually need to say the many things that have gone largely unspoken. i’ll often have an entire, extended response to something someone says and then realize i haven’t verbalized it.

it’s time to let go of the patterns which no longer serve (i no longer have to keep the secrets i did as a child), it’s time to speak out, to open up, to let go. there is an undeniable energetic connection created by the marriage between two people and i will not be able to move on completely, till that connection is legally severed. and i can finally acknowledge and understand the s.o.’s discomfort with being the “boyfriend”, instead of the “husband”. even though it’s not something which is important to me, because i care enough about him, i get that i need to make some changes. and it’s time to change the mantra that i don’t know how to do relationships. i can try. in fact, i’m going to nike it and  just do it.

time to un-complicate things.

(this post totally inspired by scott over at husbandsanonymous)

a thousand words…

  • dscn6413_2
  • april 7th, 1993

 

it’s rather ironic that last night i was on tv in a wedding dress – or at least jennifer,  the character that i play in the soap that is my day-job, was in a wedding dress – because 16 years ago today, at about 1:15pm, my friend jean, took this picture. she was the only person who witnessed the two people in the picture, get married 15 minutes before.

yes, the person on the left is me. and yes, today it’s been 16 years since i got married  to the man standing beside me, actor **** ****** (his name is easily found when you google mine, i just choose not to mention it here).  so it’s our 16th anniversary, yet it just so happens that we have not lived under the same roof since about october 2003, right after my first trip to burning man – but that’s another story…

they say a picture never lies, so what can we tell from this photo?

  • fact: it’s down town at the los angeles court house. #111 hill str. 111  being one of my lucky numbers.
  • fact: note the round granny glasses. they were oliver peoples’ and flippen expensive let me tell you! i loved them and wore them for years. (even replaced a pair which got washed away after a champagne induced night time swim on camps bay beach!).
  • fact: echoes of hippydom – the hat in my hand has a flower and a peace-sign on it.
  • fact: the dress was his choice – bought the day before and proof that i who now live in pants, at one stage wore long, flowing, floral dresses. and yes, i got married in a(n almost) black dress.
  • fact: the rings which you can’t really see were bought on monday, sized and picked up on tuesday, at which point we said, ok, i let’s  make it tomorrow. so i guess this pic was taken on wednesday.
  • fact: he’s holding a sprig of bougeanvilla with which my friend jean (who i met in an elevator in the hotel ingelterra in rome) arrived, saying, you have to have a bouquet!
  • fact: i still used to smoke and the little red drawstring bag  which i bought from someone at the old market theatre fleamarket in johannesburg, and which i thought looked like a strawberry, contained my  cigarettes and lighter. i LOVED that bag, b.t.w. and i used it till it fell apart.
  • fact: you can’t see them, but i’m wearing red shoes.
  • fact: i was really messed up – it was about 6 months after i’d gotten raped and 1 month after i’d, without realizing it,  moved to l.a., where i would live for the next 12 years.
  • fact: after going on 6 years of separation, for whatever reasons, we are still married – a fact which my long-time BF abhors and which has (almost) derailed our relationship a number of times.

so, i’ll let the picture tell the rest of the thousand words, but today, on our 16th anniversary i think i need to call my husband and ask him for a divorce.

it’s about time, don’t you think?