running out…

oh my poor neglected blog! i can hardly remember when last i came here for a visit, let alone to post anything!

mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. guilty as my fast-discharging batteries…

may i say in mitigation that my life has been a rocket ship on full blast, careening through a space filled with much debris – and no,  i’m not running around painting the town red,  i’ve just  been busy, busy, busy. you know, doing grown up stuff. getting my house in order – metaphorically speaking of course, seeing that i’m basically camped out in someone else’s while i drag crates back and forth from storage in woodland hills to venice (a 45 minute drive one way. i did it twice today).

i have spent most of the past 6 weeks going through my past life and much as i imagined that parts of it could be for sale  – “and here, our next item, one slightly soiled life, being sold off in bits…”, i just haven’t had the energy to put stuff up on ebay or craigslist. i’ve ended up giving a lot of it away and taking what my friends haven’t wanted, as a donation to charity stores. and there’s plenty more where that came from.

so tomorrow, the about-to-be ex-husband and i are heading to the santa monica court-house to file for divorce. it’s been really weird. we’ve spent a fair amount of time together while i’ve been here, eaten lots of sushi, gone to see a few movies and eaten at some of our favorite restaurants we used to go to. we’ve taken a couple of trips to the storage unit together. and that’s kinda weird, our confused, yet strangely lucid present colliding with our past life jumping out of drawers and crates like a jack-in-the-pandora’s box…. everybody mouthing, “i’m so sorry”s…

last week, after i spent most of my time here, pulling stuff out of storage, he decided that he wanted to keep the unit, so today  we carted most of the boxes back, juggled them around and stacked them back up, dismembered skeleton pieces clacking as we shoved them back in the closet…

i’ve found myself surprisingly emotional the last few days. yesterday i had to take a moment when an old friend arrived with her newborn. i’ve mostly ignored the fact that i had a miscarriage less than 3 months ago, so i’m taken aback when i have an emotional response to babies around me. and today, after locking the storage unit back up, after another early sushi dinner, we went and saw “julie and julia” – good movie, with meryl streep, the actor’s actor. watching the trailers was unexpectedly emotional though and i found myself wiping away tears during more than one… so many movies about relationships, about  people getting divorced and getting back together…. one was a trailer for a comedy with meryl streep and alec baldwin, about a couple who divorce, the guy gets married and then has an affair with his ex-wife.

not about to happen here, but still…

so, the short of it is that i’m exhausted. i’ve hardly seen any of my friends. i’ve watched maybe 1/2 hour of tv while i’ve been here, so so much for catching up with what’s new.  and i’m running out of time. i’ve yet to collect some of my stuff i left with people and the 3 minute egg-timer is at 02:55.

i so need a holiday. seriously.



4 thoughts on “running out…

  1. I read your story. I find it very touching and sad. But these things happen; we come to the world crying (at birth), but it’s all for a while. You are going through a phase. You will be fine. Stay strong and keep looking on the BRIGHT side always. Hope is on the horizon, follow its gaze and ADVANCE.

    I wish you FORTITUDE and joyful ADVANCEMENT.

    Lei Ola-Branche

    & on Twitter:

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