post goa comeback

hey there, happy new year! yup, i’m back folks!

actually, i don’t know if that’s necessarily true.

physically, i’ve arrived back in johannesburg after 3 mostly blissful weeks in goa, but i think there’s almost a lifetime of thoughts and experience and change swirling round my brain – most of it inchoate, little of which has had time to congeal into words – and i’m not even sure how much of it is fit for public consumption. 

3 weeks sharing a tiny, cramped, little room with my friend crystal, sleeping on a single bed with a mattress so thin it took weeks for my hips to stop complaining. cold bucket showers with no towel, having to dry off with my face cloth and air-dry the rest, smelly indian-style squatting toilets –  an exercise in deprivation – yet, suffice to say, it was beautiful.  sweaty, melanoma-temptingly hot, gut-wrenching, with cows, soul-splitting, inspiring, with more cows, question-inducing, extreme polarities of light and dark,  a few more cows and some flies,  playful, fun,  a lot more cows, flies and mosquitoes plus  facing my demons and being met by the light. about on par with a first trip to burning man – except for the cows. and the flies and mosquitoes.  life-altering.

life altar-ing…

i’m grateful and i’m blessed… and i’m going to try very hard to remember to stay that way.

 

new year's eve sunset on arambol beach

new year's eve sunset on arambol beach

another beautiful arambol beach sunset

 

the view from our little room at the oceanic

offering digestive biscuits to the durga's tiger at magic park

view of arambol beach from the gate of the oceanic guest house

 

with crystal and new old friends, tapesh and chandra

 

bliss

i’ve run out of words.

i think. haven’t written a word the last week. no poems. nothing. it’s as if i’ve finally climbed out of my head and into the world.

i am. being. i think india does that to one. and i’m loving it. hooping on the beach, being cradled in the arms of a warm goan ocean, playing, sharing my skills with others,  letting life flow me from one perfect moment to the next.

i’m following my bliss.blissfully.

love your self

love yourself. 

LOVE yourself.

LOVE YOURSELF.

LOVE YOUR SELF.

yes, it’s international AIDS day, but no, i’m not necessarily advocating abstinence as an answer (though remember, if it’s not on, it’s NOT ON!).

love yourself.

those words are what i woke up with a few days ago, like an urgent message someone was whispering in my ear, a mantra burning itself indelibly into my brain. love. your. self. no external validation (even though i’ve gotten my fair share of that), no expectations, except the determination to show up for myself. unreservedly. to honor what i’m feeling with absolute acceptance and stillness and not try to run away from it.

for someone like me who so resolutely and determinedly has fought for space and freedom and independence, it’s interesting to have been given exactly what i’ve asked for. time and space to ramble around in.

 

and i find myself doing things i otherwise might not have. 

called up my friend deon on saturday and went and spent a most fabulous time hanging out at the swimming pool with friends. then my friend jacki and i organized ourselves a safe-cab (responsible gals, us!) and went to check out steve newman at house of nsako. sunday afternoon i found myself unexpectedly part of an active tantra kundalini meditation which could have been exceedingly strange if i hadn’t chosen to keep myself open to new experience. though both saturday night and the kundalini movement were reminders for me about how i can lose myself when i dance. i’m off into other realms of ecstasy if i allow it. 

one of the questions asked at the tantra talk was, “how much bliss can you stand?” 

as much as i will allow.

so i’m allowing blissful illumination. 

illume by michael brown

illume by michael brown

 

(the artwork is by a friend, michael brown – http://www.tenthousandvisions.com. i had the honor of naming this particular painting!)