ok, i have to admit, and you can stone me for it, but i’ve always wondered why people need “happy-pills”. and yes, i know quite a few people who use them. i never really did get it. when my mom went on prozac for a while many years ago, i thought, “WTF?!”.  i mean, i’ve been through crap by the truck-load in my life and i’ve gotten by without.

after friday, though, i take it back. i think i came closest to having a melt-down/nervous breakdown/not sure what to call it, on friday than i’ve ever done in my life. the only other time i’ve felt like this was when dental anaesthetic left me weeping inexplicably – since then i always have to request a special anaesthetic when i go to the dentist. obviously an allergic reaction. now the reason why, is because i don’t know the reason why.

there are a myriad little things that could add up, but on friday for some reason i felt suddenly completely out of control  – as out of control as a control-freak could possibly be. besides a little crying spell when i confronted a friend about something in the morning, i really  did keep things together. did what needed to be done. interacted fairly sanely with people i encountered and  with the contractor who was fixing things in my house (i mean, i’m one of the sanest people i know), but inside i felt like i was both imploding and exploding simultaneously. i felt like i could easily drive off a cliff and it wouldn’t matter.

ok, so it might have something to do with the visible twitch i’ve had under my right eye for the last 2 weeks and which has been getting progressively worse. i first noticed it in the mirror at the hotel room the morning after the pioneer rally after i went to bed late and got up early to fly back home. i googled when it first started and it said that it was likely caused by stress and would go away after a few days, but if it didn’t, to seek medical help.

it’s at the point where i need medical help.

first of all, it’s a little weird going around looking like i’m winking at everybody (ok, it’s not quite that bad, but still) and secondly, in my line of work, it’s not ok to have an involuntary twitch unless you’re playing a rather shifty character. which i’m not.

so it’s been freaking me out. and my doctor could only get me an appointment with  a neurologist in 2 weeks time. i’ve since managed to get an appt with one on monday, which is a lot more reassuring, but it’s certainly been weighing on my mind.

now, depression and i have gotten to know each other well over the course of my rather eventful life. but there’s always been a very valid reason. if you’d been molested for 12 yrs of your childhood, raped as an adult, then spent many years married to an addict, you too might have reason to be depressed. and there were a myriad other reasons. so , each time i became aware of the darkness closing in, there was usually a very tangible reason. friday, however, i couldn’t figure out why. and i think that scared me more than anything else.  i had a birthday party to attend, but by 6 i was in bed wishing there was a wand i could wave, a pill i could pop, a magic potion i could drink which would make me feel better.

ok, so i do feel a little better now, but i still wonder if i’ve not been in denial about the fact that i might just need chemical help, maybe a pill, to make me happier. maybe my introspection, my propensity to isolate, my ability to spend eternities in my head, are not necesarily normal. maybe they are, but maybe i need to acknowledge the possibly that i don’t have to do it on my own. that i can get help.

so, yes, just possibly maybe i’m sending out an s.o.s.